20 apr 24 : it's still way too hard to exist on the internet but at least now i have a fighting chance at it.

i don't know what to talk about. i go through things in my life, i talk to friends, i tell them about my day, but when i think of putting it down on the internet, in any way, i freeze. and then, what's the point ? i think that's the issue. what's the point ?

i definitely could have so much fun making small autobiographical performances on the internet or whatever, but what's the point ? i don't have the energy, the drive to do it. i have the want, i have the need, but i don't have the drive. it's like half living.

12 jan 24 : writing down anything on the internet now downright terrifies me.

i'm too scared to exist. even writing these words, knowing maybe two people will get to read them, is too scary. it's all way too scary. i don't want to exist, i don't want anyone to see me. i just want to exist like a specter. but if i do that, then i can't live. i can't show people what i'm up to, and i can't tell them. so i guess i'll keep those words up.